On being: Gay

 So I can't sleep, despite taking a pile of flu medication, my mind is too active, so I decided to write another blog, perhaps it will bring on the much needed sleepy feeling.

Ironically my previous post currently is the second most read of my blogs, and I am not trying to justify my lifestyle choice but I have noticed a common thread in the interactions I have had with gay men.

So many people have expressed that they knew that they were different, and knew it from a young age. Being different in what way? 

Well for me I enjoyed typical manly things, like sports and outdoors, but I wasn't big into the competitive side of it, I just wanted to enjoy myself, and so when I felt under pressure to perform, I withdrew and preferred to rather read etc. I may have been a more gentle soul than many men, also later in life I gravitated towards women as friends, I didn't have to be butch and compete in any way.

I guess I knew I wasn't really very good at sports and it made me feel inferior to my counterparts. I was also very aware that I was attracted to men, in a way that most of the guys I hung out with didn't. 

I didn't understand why I was different, and it was a very confusing period as a young man, and even into adulthood. 

It became something within myself that I literally hated. 

It disturbed me when rough housing with a mate that I would have a sudden urge or desire to kiss him. The change room jokes about queers, moffies , faggots etc just drove me further into myself and the closet. I was terrified that I would show my feelings and arousal, I didn't want to be different in that way, so I hid it deep within me. 

I didn't choose to be attracted to men, but yet I was, and I loathed myself for having feelings like that, was there something wrong with me? 

I didn't hate women, I actually loved them and I think I was bisexual, but in the eyes of the world it was the same as being gay. 

Later in marriage I especially hated these feelings and fantasies that kept popping up, the guilt of having these ideas drove me insane, it wasn't supposed to be like that, and yet that often occurred, the presence of the attraction was always there.

So I constructed the elaborate masks to hide it from the world around me, and denied and suppressed them, I didn't want to be different. 

It has taken me a very long time to learn to love myself for who I am now, this journey has had much pain, sorrow and doubt. 

Let me stress that there was also so much joy and pleasure, being a father and husband, but ultimately I realized that I prefer men. I just wish that I had realized this earlier and had the guts to come out beforehand, honestly I may have saved a lot of pain.

Another common thread, in talking to other guys with similar experiences is that many people commented along the lines of; we always knew you were gay. Oh how the hell did you know! 

Was there something about me that advertised that fact. I mean I wasn't convinced myself, yet some people were not surprised when I came out, there were a few that were genuinely shocked, my masks worked on some but not on all.

I find it interesting that people saw something in me, that I desperately tried to hide and yet they say it was patently obvious. Other people told me it was about freaking time that I accepted who I was and lived it. Well I finally accepted that I am different and celebrate that now instead of hating it. 

Also an assumption is; that I have turned my back on God and my faith, but I definitely have not. I am learning to adapt my style of relationship with Him, It is between Him and I on a personal level, always been that anyway, and rightly so, and less directed by the church than in the past; but I am gay and love God, so deal with it. 

My walk with him is according to my faith not of others. I don't consider anyone who struggles with my choice as homophobic or hateful, (although in some cases that might be an accurate description) and I hopefully will enjoy ongoing friendships with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

By the way I am also loving being a grandad, to the best grandson in the world.... and am in a relationship.




Comments

  1. Sean KrigeNovember 24, 2023 at 6:19 AM

    Thanks Seano, so glad you're continuing to blog... It took guts to start, and it takes guts to continue, especially given your change in perspective / position on being gay. I have always admired your honesty, and appreciated your softer side. I would add that gentleness in a man is a most beautiful attribute, and in fact a fruit of the Spirit himself.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Oh to Be Chosen

 I don’t consider myself religious anymore. At least, not in the way people might expect. There was a time when belief felt structured, defined—something I either fit into or drifted away from. And in many ways, I did drift. I questioned, I pulled back, I let go of things that no longer felt true to me. But somewhere along the way—quietly, unexpectedly—something else found me. Not rules. Not obligation. Not pressure to become someone else. But a sense… that I am already chosen. And I know how that sounds, especially to those who’ve perhaps taken a step back from me over time. Maybe it feels like I’ve changed in ways that are hard to understand. Maybe it feels like distance was necessary. But the truth is, this hasn’t been about becoming more distant from myself. It’s been the opposite. It’s been about coming home. --- Oh to be chosen— not polished, not rehearsed, not softened at the edges to fit another’s comfort, but as I am in the quiet, unguarded truth of myself. To be seen beyo...
Read more

Inherited Shame

When I look back on my life, it is often with a sense of shame. A quiet, persistent feeling that no matter when, where, or who—it was always me. I was the common denominator. I was the one to blame. Inspired by a song of the Pet Shop Boys it's a sin. Music often speaks deeply to one's soul,  reflecting truths and emotions that remain buried in the subconscious until you recognise yourself within the lyrics. Another song that inspired this is Losing my religion by R.E.M.  Anthropology is the study of humans—how we live, think, evolve, and relate to each other across time and cultures. Music is one of form of art (also poetry and visual arts, that transcends across the human experience bringing emotional weight to otherwise plain lives. For a long time, I understood my life through that lens. Especially when I realised I was queer. I never chose this—this attraction to men. And it felt, for years, like something that set my life on a harder path than it needed to be. I imagined ...
Read more

On Being: Not Enough (And Learning Otherwise

 Some days it comes quietly. Not with accusation or drama—just a low, persistent whisper that settles somewhere in the background of my mind: You haven’t really done much. It’s a strange thought, because I know it isn’t true. If I take a moment to look back, I can see the shape of a life that has been anything but empty. I have been a father. A husband. A provider. I have led, I have mentored, I have stood in the gap for others when it mattered. I have shown up. And yet, the feeling lingers. I’ve come to realise that this voice doesn’t deal in facts. It measures something far less tangible—something closer to expectation than reality. Perhaps it’s the distance between who I once imagined I would become and who I see when I look at myself now. Not disappointment, exactly. Just… a quiet questioning. But if I’m honest, there is another truth that sits alongside that voice—one that is easier to overlook because it doesn’t announce itself as loudly. I didn’t live my life on the surface....
Read more