You are NOT your own.

 On Being Different I always knew I was different, even before I had the words for it. And I knew it wasn’t safe— I had heard what they called boys like me. So I hid. I ran. I tried to be normal. It hollowed me out— into despair, into self-loathing. To survive, I learned to wear masks. Carefully made. Convincing. A different version of me for every room. But it was never enough. It could never be enough. Eventually, I grew tired— of performing, of shrinking, of living inside expectations that were never mine. So I began to unmask. Slowly. Deliberately. Piece by piece, I let myself be seen. Not perfect— but real. Shaped by pain, forged through confusion. I no longer try to pass as normal. I never was. Now I stand unmasked— as I am. Proud. Unapologetic. Because authenticity will always outlive the mask. And what is true— is real, is valid, is enough.

 Some days it comes quietly. Not with accusation or drama—just a low, persistent whisper that settles somewhere in the background of my mind: You haven’t really done much. It’s a strange thought, because I know it isn’t true. If I take a moment to look back, I can see the shape of a life that has been anything but empty. I have been a father. A husband. A provider. I have led, I have mentored, I have stood in the gap for others when it mattered. I have shown up. And yet, the feeling lingers. I’ve come to realise that this voice doesn’t deal in facts. It measures something far less tangible—something closer to expectation than reality. Perhaps it’s the distance between who I once imagined I would become and who I see when I look at myself now. Not disappointment, exactly. Just… a quiet questioning. But if I’m honest, there is another truth that sits alongside that voice—one that is easier to overlook because it doesn’t announce itself as loudly. I didn’t live my life on the surface....

 I don’t consider myself religious anymore. At least, not in the way people might expect. There was a time when belief felt structured, defined—something I either fit into or drifted away from. And in many ways, I did drift. I questioned, I pulled back, I let go of things that no longer felt true to me. But somewhere along the way—quietly, unexpectedly—something else found me. Not rules. Not obligation. Not pressure to become someone else. But a sense… that I am already chosen. And I know how that sounds, especially to those who’ve perhaps taken a step back from me over time. Maybe it feels like I’ve changed in ways that are hard to understand. Maybe it feels like distance was necessary. But the truth is, this hasn’t been about becoming more distant from myself. It’s been the opposite. It’s been about coming home. --- Oh to be chosen— not polished, not rehearsed, not softened at the edges to fit another’s comfort, but as I am in the quiet, unguarded truth of myself. To be seen beyo...

 I Am What I Am I was not carved from marble certainty. I was shaped by questions. By mirrors that did not always agree with me. By rooms where I felt too much and said too little. I learned early that strength was loud — but my strength was quiet. It watched. It endured. It survived without applause. They said a man must be iron. But I was water. Soft enough to feel everything. Strong enough to carve stone over time. I have known shame — not because I was broken, but because I was tender in a world that mistook tenderness for weakness. Still, I remained. Curious. Becoming. Unfolding without permission. There is power in my surrender. There is fire in my softness. There is dignity in choosing who I am instead of performing who I was told to be. I am not less. Not half. Not almost. I am layered. I am evolving. I am a man who feels deeply and stands anyway. I am what I am — not apology, not explanation, but arrival.

 So I can't sleep, despite taking a pile of flu medication, my mind is too active, so I decided to write another blog, perhaps it will bring on the much needed sleepy feeling. Ironically my previous post currently is the second most read of my blogs, and I am not trying to justify my lifestyle choice but I have noticed a common thread in the interactions I have had with gay men. So many people have expressed that they knew that they were different, and knew it from a young age. Being different in what way?  Well for me I enjoyed typical manly things, like sports and outdoors, but I wasn't big into the competitive side of it, I just wanted to enjoy myself, and so when I felt under pressure to perform, I withdrew and preferred to rather read etc. I may have been a more gentle soul than many men, also later in life I gravitated towards women as friends, I didn't have to be butch and compete in any way. I guess I knew I wasn't really very good at sports and it made me feel ...

I have been encouraged to blog by a good friend of mine, to continue my journey, and record my thoughts and thinking process in terms of my choice and decision. Whether this ever gets published and sees the light of day remains to be seen. This is written completely from my perspective and my experience, I don't claim to represent any group in any way. So I recently made a critical decision regarding my life, that is a massive departure from the past and a new direction with the line of thinking you may have grown accustomed to on this blog. I am now embracing my homosexuality and lifestyle. Now those of you who know me well, will know that this is not a casual decision, much anguish, emotionally, physically and spiritually, over many years has preceded this decision. I have struggled with the same sex attraction for most of my life, to varying degrees, and intensity. I knew I was different from young and my first sexual encounter was with a school friend. I came out as gay as youn...

As I reflect on my previous posts about examining our own hearts and lives to align them with Gods heart etc I find myself questioning a few things.  Is my motive to look good and pious, (like a Pharisee) or genuine change of heart? If I am falling short, how do I address this? The answer to both is similar.   One of my all time favorite biblical characters is David, and to be sure he was not a poster boy for moral standards in many of his ways and actions. Yet he stands out in a startling manner, and I find myself drawn to what made him to be called a man after Gods own heart ? He had no claim on the most righteous man, for sure, there was blood on his hands, to the extent that God would not let him build the temple.   As I look at his life I note that despite everything; at heart he knew he was in no way perfect, in fact far from it. However he knew that God his Shepherd and Lord was gracious to be David's righteousness and covering.    David simply...

At times it would appear that my life is inconsistent to the plans or expectations that I had. Reality in life can stretch my faith simply by the way it differs to my plans, hopes and dreams.  When I reflect on my life although I see and recognize progress made, I have to admit it is not because of me, but rather inspite of me, and how God is working behind the scenes. It's the Holy Spirit, the Word of God, bringing transformation, to make us more like Jesus.  It's not always perceptible or recognised by a casual inspection, yet if you look carefully it is noticable. This is part of the Journey of Life of Faith . I found some quotes relating to this Not all those who wander are lost. J.R.R. Tolkien This is profound if we consider that God led his people Israel on a journey out of Egypt to the promised land. To get out of slavery a journey was necessary.   In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed . In your strength you will guide them to your ...

We have been learning about the attributes of God, and how is he ALL powerful, Present, Knowing, Perfect in Justice, Loving, Self Sufficient and Sustaining. The Creator of the universe, of the heavens and the earth. I have only listed a few scripture references below to describe some of these. But God made the earth by his power ; he founded the world by his wisdom and stretched out the heavens by his understanding . When he thunders, the waters in the heavens roar; he makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth. He sends lightning with the rain and brings out the wind from his storehouses. Jeremiah 10:12‭-‬13 NIV Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Isaiah 40:26 NIV For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or ...