On being: Sean

I have been encouraged to blog by a good friend of mine, to continue my journey, and record my thoughts and thinking process in terms of my choice and decision. Whether this ever gets published and sees the light of day remains to be seen. This is written completely from my perspective and my experience, I don't claim to represent any group in any way.

So I recently made a critical decision regarding my life, that is a massive departure from the past and a new direction with the line of thinking you may have grown accustomed to on this blog.

I am now embracing my homosexuality and lifestyle. Now those of you who know me well, will know that this is not a casual decision, much anguish, emotionally, physically and spiritually, over many years has preceded this decision.

I have struggled with the same sex attraction for most of my life, to varying degrees, and intensity. I knew I was different from young and my first sexual encounter was with a school friend. I came out as gay as young man, but was convinced by my father, that this was merely a passing phase. It was definitely not accepted by my family and was a source of conflict until I gave up my persuit of the lifestyle. Inevitably I chose the normally accepted lifestyle and entered into marriage as was the expectation of the time.

It was very difficult to take the stand in those days, it was definitely not accepted, and often was derided and seen as shameful and not acceptable behavior. Unlike in modern times. I never had the balls to make the stand myself and gave in; to social and family norms and standards.

As far as cause and effect, there is much that contribute to this, including nature and nurture (choice). For many years I believed it was nurture and choice, that a person chose to be gay. However as I have allowed myself to take long hard looks into my life and events over the years, I came to see that even for me, there was a natural pull towards same sex attraction. I also know that I have chosen and allowed myself to be influenced by other outside factors, and therefore conclude that it is both nature and choice in my life.

I did not choose to be attracted to men, in fact it would have been easier for me in many ways if I weren't. I am gay, always have been and likely to be so all of my life. This fact has been a source of shame, guilt and humiliation due to the fact as a Christian man, this was not acceptable behavior and sinful. As a result I found that I sexualized humiliation and degradation, which made part of my shameful fantasy, carefully covered in a mask to present myself as acceptable to society. To such a degree that I became totally homophobic (in an attempt to cover the perceived weakness). I regret any time I may have been a total dick to those whom I looked down on in those days, I unreservedly apologize.

I came to the realisation that I have allowed myself to live up to the expectations of others, society, family and church. We all place these onto others. As a Christian man you are expected to live and behave in a certain way, and anything that deviates from that is too often denounced as sin or a weakness of character etc.

Well I'm done with living up to the expectations of others whether they are done intentionally or not. I actually don't believe that God the Father makes that demand on us. I believe that my salvation is entirely dependent on the finished work of the cross and on his grace and mercy. My works or behavior don't make me more saved or condemned to hell. There is much in scripture that I still have to figure out what, where and how, that conflict with the choice I have made, but I throw myself on his grace and mercy and trust that he knows me and I know him.

I have much to say about the matter and I am trying to get as much down as to help myself and others understand the complexity of making a decision that impacts my life so dramatically. 

I have always been told that gay love was dirty and shameful, it was just pure lust etc.  I understand that many people consider this as a sin of the flesh, similar to fornication or adultery. That I should control my desires and refrain from the temptation. To some degree I agree, however theorticaly if a heterosexual person married then indulged in sexual intimacy that would be obviously acceptable, but as a homosexual this would definitely not be the case, it remains unacceptable. I am tired of double standards, each meant to favour the group that makes them. I know it may be difficult to understand but gay relationships are not only about lust, there is intimacy, attachment, companionship, appreciation, emotional connection, soul ties, and other feelings just like heterosexual people, that come into play.

In my journey and experience I have had both casual, illicit, hook up sex, as well as that in a relationship, however loosely or tightly you may define relationship, and in a relationship it is immensely deeper and satisfying, as is a heterosexual relationship.

Therefore as a same sex attracted man I basically had to choose to live a celibate lifestyle, this was my initial choice. I have tried all my life not to be different, to fit in, to be acceptable, to control or deny it. I refuse to do so any more. Too often this issue is seen as something to be cured (as though it was a disease or mental issue) or controlled, when it is part of who I am. Either you love me for who I am and not who you want me to be, or walk away from our relationship. I sincerely hope we can still be friends, despite the fact that we may disagree on my lifestyle choice. Maybe you are concerned that I am not making a great decision and I may come to harm. If that is the case I appreciate your love, but I am a grown man and life is full of risk and rewards, consequences etc, and I need to live within my own choice.

I have told all of the people that I love, and have deep relationships with honestly and openly. I could have decided to keep up with a facade, and not say anything, but I in recent years have made myself known, and will continue to do so to the best of my ability. My disclaimer is this, don't ask me questions that you don't want to know the answer to! If you ask I will tell you, but I guarantee that not all, will necessarily please you.

As for my family, they have accepted my choice, and we have a deep love and respect for each other. I regret nothing in my life in regards to my marriage, without that I would not be blessed with my beautiful children and now a grandson. I am aware that I have hurt people throughout my life, unintentionally, and if that is you, I again apologize unreservedly. We did our best in the understanding and circumstances we were in at the time, it seems that is part of life, and pain and joy have made us who we are. I love and appreciate you deeply, truly.

So this may actually be published after all, I am perfectly at peace with this decision as I stand. I am gay, happy and enjoying my life, living to the full. I don't expect anyone to approve or endorse my choice, just respect mine as I respect yours. After all life, like me, is too short!