Deny Who?

I'm going to be very vulnerable in this post, and try to walk without the temptation of putting on a mask based on what I have written about and pretending that I have actually got all of them right in my life.

Not sure where to start, so let me tell you that I recently uninstalled two apps off my phone, that empowered my fantasies in regards to my struggle with same sex attraction. I made the decision due to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. 

Basically I heard a question posed to me about who do I actually deny, Christ (Gospel) or myself? 

Truth be told, even after posting much about denying myself, I have too often found that in practice it's easier to deny Christ than myself. Especially when I want to justify having my own way. 

This is true when our desires conflict with Gods way's. There is a deceptive and persuasive ideology (that I believe is a spiritual force, and which we should be aware of based on scriptural warnings). 

The narrative is something along the lines of do whatever makes you happy and feel affirmed, to be true to yourself, and under no circumstances to be dissuaded from your goals. 

The problem is, it is all about me (you) and doesn't recognize the impact, rights, feelings of others (narcissistic). My right to be and do be what I want. Morals, social acceptabilty and truth are disregarded in the name of relativity and getting our own way.

I found that I was caught up in this type of thinking, my own desires were placed higher than God's will and plans. 

I was looking for satisfaction and love in all the wrong places, despite the fact that I knew deep down that it was a false hope and would never bring true contentment, it was what I wanted. 

It was leading me onto a path where I was willing to compromise the way of Jesus and the Kingdom. Temptation to act on these feelings was getting easier and easier, and unless God the Father intervened by taking me to a place where I could hear some truth in the revealing messages I heard preached,(3) I most probably would have continued on a path of destruction.

When I heard and saw the truth I was convicted that I had instead of denying myself as instructed by Jesus I had in fact being denying him instead. 

Simply by allowing thoughts, actions, and limiting his authority, presence, word, and work of the Holy Spirit in my life. All because I wanted what I wanted. This is the story of old, man wants to be the God of his own heart, but our hearts are deceptive and too often lead us to sin. We can't trust in ourselves, and our desires entice us and entrap us in sin by tempting us to act on the ungodly desires (read James 1)

As an act of repentance I deleted the apps and immediately made myself accountable to my friends. 

The Father has reminded me that I am loved and wants a relationship with me, and me with him, full of love, grace and truth. That I am to put off my old self and put on the new made in his image and He seeks to transform me to be like him. 

In order for this to happen I need to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow him. That my identity can only be given to me by my creator. I am the beloved son, he calls me friend and chose me, but I must abide and remain in him, without him I can do NOTHING. 

All this I know, he has shown me this in the past, but l need to live this out in Faith from the heart and not just a theoretical knowledge. Also to stay teachable, humble, never assume you have arrived and not prone to sin, or that your weakness is a once and done thing. 

I chose to blog this even tho it's potentially embarrassing for me, but seek to encourage others that God does not look for perfect people but a deep intimate relationship with each of us. We all make mistakes, I have made maybe more than others, but he remains the author and finisher of my faith. 

I can say that I have often asked God to remove the thorn of this affliction of same sex attraction and these desires that are both a form of humiliation and false hope and yet I know His Grace is sufficient for me. I know that he can, but somehow I feel that this weakness and struggle are working something in me in this journey through life. Hopefully to help me deal with them more effectively and realistically and to minister to others who may benefit from the honest telling of my story. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and our testimony.

Recently I was walking and praying and was wrestling with God of why this struggle is part of my life, and I asked him to help me understand, or was there another question that I should ask? His response was in the form of another question, what would I prefer, to understand or to live free? 

Naturally I chose Freedom, understanding is useful, however it can often lead to self pity or in my case trying to justify my choices as a victim. I need to be asking God to help me live free within his grace and to abide in Him and word instead. He promised to meet me there in the pain and struggle.

Jesus looked at Peter in the moment of his denial, it was not a look of disappointment or disapproval, but a deep intimate look of pure love and compassion. Peter knew this and wept bitterly, cos in that moment he knew Jesus loved him nevertheless. This is true for me and you.

So it's with a greater and deeper understanding that I once again chose to deny myself and follow him. Whom else would I follow he has the words of life. He is the way, the truth and the life. He is the true Vine, the Bread of life. Only in Him can you and I be fully satisfied and loved.