My Journey of Discovery: Identity

Towards the end of last year I went on spiritual retreat and took a long hard look at myself, and asked God to show me something's about me. The thing is, if you ask for something like that, you may not always like what you uncover. I certainly wasn't ready to deal with the emotional depths of my revelation and the journey I would go through in the months that followed. 

I for the first time in my life acknowledged the depths of my Same Sex Attraction, and to the degree it had impacted my life, and even my marriage. It wasn't that I had acted out with someone, but I knew that my fantasies had shaped how I viewed myself, this issue ran much deeper than I would admit up until then.  Also I realized that this wasn't simply a choice, I had these feelings and desires from youth.(To act on these feelings or not is a choice) but I accepted finally that I was same sex attracted, and had been for a long time.

At first I accepted that I had two choices, either I lived as an openly gay man, or as a celibate eunuch for the Kingdom. Initially I was happy to accept this, but then a growing sense of discontent surfaced. I underwent a gambit of emotions, from this is not fair, God made me like this, to I need to be true to myself, and everyone else be damned. 

I am not proud of some of the thoughts and actions I allowed myself to experience, including some sexual sin, trying to figure out if this was the life I wanted. I had suppressed these for my whole life, and was angry that God was still asking me to do so again.

I questioned the theology around homosexuality, and read many articles both pro and against the issue. I had a particular thought, what if the views that are held are simply man's, and we're not God's thoughts on the matter. Almost immediately I got a response, the first sin and temptation was against God's word when Satan whispered to Adam and Eve, "did God really say?".

Needlessly to say, this was a huge source of conflict, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I desperately needed to find a suitable solution. 

I began to speak openly about my struggles, and many loving kind, caring people advised me to be true to myself and just be happy and live as a gay man. 

However despite the fact that I could find so called christian justification and support of the lifestyle, in my own conscious could not reconcile these to a biblical view, despite the attempts to do so. 

On the other hand, I made myself known to others, at a deeper emotional level, telling them of the fears that often drove my addictive behaviors and thoughts. 

Slowly God was working on my internal thought process. I had read and watched a few recommend videos and web sites regarding the Same Sex Attraction issue, and finding an identity I could secure as an anchor, I felt like a ship in a storm, battered and drifting all over the place.

In the beginning of the year I felt God give me this scripture, in response to my plea for help in terms of understanding my real identity. 

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

Matthew 16:24‭-‬25 NIV

In other words, if I really wanted to find my true identity, I first had to deny myself and my ideas of who I thought I was. I had to follow Jesus and submit to his truth, of who he had created me to be. 

Not surprisingly I confronted many false truths, beliefs and idols that I and the general world views accepted as facts, but we're far from it. 

One generally accepted notion is that somehow you are not complete with out a form of romantic or sexual partnership, I acknowledge that God said that it's not good for Adam to be alone, hence Eve, and the need for community. I am not saying we don't need community, we certainly do, but I think that notion is overrated, surely God is the one who completes us and in him we are able to be fully satisfied, otherwise are we saying that single people are less than those who are married etc? 

My adjusted view is now that we should be complete in God first. Relationships in themselves can't fully satisfy us without God, only he knows us fully and loves us even in our failings.

 Jesus never expressed himself in any form of romantic or sexuality, yet stands out as a man fully satisfied and content in his relationship with the Father, and then with his disciples and followers. 

Slowly God started to show me that I was far more than any label, and certainly more than my sexuality, that I or others would like to attach to me.

My sexual preference does not define me, I am much more than that shallow, contrite view. Neither does my sin, shame and past.

By definition I actually may identity in sexual terms as bisexual, or even gay, but both of these terms attach a form of identity to me, so I prefer the term same sex attraction. 

Also there is no Godly way to express those views, where as it is possible to express heterosexuality in the sanctity of marriage.

I had been trapped and tried to create an identity based on these flawed presumptions. 

Basically what I discovered as God unraveled this for me, was twofold, only God my maker had the right to define me, and that he knew me even before I existed, even in the womb he formed and fashioned me with a plan and purpose, the trick was to discover just that. 

I was intrigued by a teaching or preach on knowing who God calls you, and how knowing that dispels fear. 

So I asked Jesus a simple question, what do you call me?

Scripturally there are many instances when God gave new names, Abram to Abraham, Saul to Paul, Simon to Peter to name a few. I was comfortable with God giving me a name, there are other scriptures that indicates God will give us new or secret names, so I pressed into discovering what mine was. 

Jesus calls me Draco, the brave and pure hearted, what does he call you? 

This is what I felt God tell me to put on a self designed T Shirt. On the reverse side I was prompted to declare who and what I am. I am a Son, brother, friend, lover, warrior, poet, prophet, priest and king in Christ. Additionally I am a Father to my own children and to other father's. Another T Shirt challenges the misconceptions of what Jesus said vs what he actually said, like " if you would follow me, deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow me". The reverse solidifies the fact that I must die, and it's by Christ in me that I live this life. This not only gives me a solid identity but purpose for living. 

I won't lie and say the struggle is over and done, far from it in fact. 

I have been working on what I call a resolve, like a declaration of faith and intent, that I declare daily (currently on day 45) to change the internal narratives I allowed to shape my thinking and behaviors for so many years. 

The battle is real, you can't have victory without struggle or temptation, make hard choices to give up your own desires, sometimes the emotional responses feel too hard to bear, but God is so faithful in showing me His Grace, Truth and Mercy. 

My position as a Son is secure, nothing I do changes that fact, it doesn't change by anything I do or don't do.  

I am deeply loved, chosen by my Father. A song that I connect to in this regard is to Make Room. 

Here is where I lay it down

Every burden, every crown

This is my surrender

This is my surrender

Here is where I lay it down

Every lie and every doubt

This is my surrender

And I will make room for You

To do whatever You want to

To do whatever You want to

I will make room for You

To do whatever You want to

To do whatever You want to

Shake up the ground of all my tradition

Break down the walls of all my religion

Your way is better

Your way is better

I have learned and continue to learn to really make room, and surrender, his way is truly better. I often wonder how many people sing such songs like this, but their lives aren't congruent to the meaning and intent of the worship,  a very sad thought indeed. 

It may sound strange but I am glad for the same sex struggle I have endured, I would not exchange it for anything else, it has taught me to truly surrender, and give up my own desires in such a deep and profound way. 

As painful as the journey has been, I am so aware of the way God my Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit are there in the midst of my brokenness, calling me to overcome and build a real intimate relationship, and to be known and to know Him. 

It would appear that is the primary focus and a bye product is healing and sobriety. 

Of one thing I am sure of is that God knows me, cause I have made myself known to Him and my brothers in Christ, for my forgiveness and healing, according to His word.