Dealing with a crises of faith

Very recently I was engaged in an intense  spiritual battle, one of the hardest challenges  I have had to deal with since the process of walking into the light commenced, this journey started about 3 to 5 years ago. 

I am going to be very vulnerable in this post, very honest so if you may get shocked, disappointed, offended an or rather not know these details I suggest you stop  reading now and move onto something else.

During my first Journey Discipleship Course I realised that I lived a life of idolatry, one where I lived practically under the influence of my false belief that "a man is only satisfied, and or complete if he was sexually fulfilled"

I had replaced God with a fleeting ejeculation or arousal to meet my selfish desires. It was like I was worshiping at the altar of my sexual desires.   How pathetic is that belief in reality;? but it was a stronghold that kept me in bondage to pornography, fantasy and masturbation. 

My struggle has been very real and intense, and the pressure I had  been under was immense, to buckle into these desires of not only my addiction, but the compulsive behaviors that developed in my life due to the constant habitual sin that was an intregal part of my life. 

I find it difficult to explain the pressure these desires have put on my mind and flesh. I often felt that I should just give in to these desires. 

The temptation that nearly overwhelmed me in its intensity was to engage in same sex relationships specifically sexually. To experiment on a lifestyle that I considered I had perhaps missed out on.

Let me try and explain and set the back ground.

Some of my earliest memories are that of what would be called paraphilia or fetish type of activity during masturbation which started fairly early or me. 

According to my research this could be as a result of unresolved trauma in developmental stages of children.  

I don't have much recall of any events other than a situation of being forced into a sexually compromised postion in primary school. I tend to believe I have blocked certain traumatic events in my life to protect myself.  

What  I do know that this type of behaviour was not normal for a person of my age, and developed I guess by being overly sexually stimulated or even as my research has shown a simple lack of affection from a mother can produce such woundedness. 

Part of my struggle relates to same sex attraction.  My earliest sexual encounter was with another boy, although not exclusively. At some point in my life I actually came out as gay to my family. 

As you can guess, this was not well recieved or accepted (in fact I was given a choice to either move on or not be counted as a member of the family). 

I was very confused about my sexuality, but was convinced by my dad that this was just an experimental phase. 

I then cut off all ties with the community and dived deep as I felt I needed to regarding my Christian faith, which had been compromised during that period. 

I subsequently got married, had children etc. Over time I found that I was sexually attracted to both sexes, but I gave my attention to the opposite sex (My wife, exclusively for many fulfilled years). 

I had has limited sexual experience with both sexes, but somehow, somewhere these false beliefs that had been formed in my youth started to show in the cracks of my brokenness. 

What had happened, without being aware was that my real valid and God given needs for affirmation, acceptance and validation had due to living in a broken world had been breached, and abuse had occurred in my formative years.

I did not recognise my calls from my valid needs and unmet validation, and acceptance, that could only really be met fully by God. So I turned to other coping mechanism, like porn and masturbation.  

The masturbation fantasy habit, stirred up the same sex attraction, but I usually just masturbated without acting out on the fantasy.  

This addiction and compulsive behavior, and my self absorbed belief system eventually wrecked my marriage, due to the fact that I had broken my wife's heart and trust beyond repair.  

Now this is where the recent crisis of my faith threated my recovery. Initially I denied my own struggle with same sex attraction, and I as I had limited experience in this regard, the enemy of my soul  tried to convince me that it was my right to seek this out. Afterall God created me with the hardwired desires, did he not?

This became a major temptation recently. I wanted to live and experiment sexually to engage in my sexual urges. 

I could try and justify that many people live free from the constraints of the church or in fact many churches are open to same sex relationships and even ordain clergy who are in same sex relationships. Some even go as far as saying it was acceptable by God, and cite David and Johnathan as examples of his endorsement. ( which is a complete misunderstanding of the relationship between them)

However I know that biblically anything outside of Gods ordained and purposes for healthy sexuality between one man and one women in matrimony is considered as sin and breaks his intention of how we are to engage with regard to intimacy. Within the parameters and boundaries set in place, these are meant as loving protections to keep us safe from the heart ache of broken sexual relationships. 

To try and justify my needs, desires even valid ones on the basis of its only fair and just, is completely unscriptural and unbiblical. The word and will of God is the only valid measurement, for the basis of how we respond to these crises  or decisions on how we are to conduct our lives in respect to all things. Gods word is the final authority, NOT our feelings, no matter how justified they may appear. 

So my conviction is that my sexual orientation, if it falls outside of Gods design, regardless of whether its same sex, or fornication or adultery falls outside of Gods desire and falls way short of his best for us. 

If I was asked about my sexual orientation would identity as bisexual. 

However this is not consistent with Gods design and therefore as a Christian I make a choice to lay down my preferences in order to honour God and His design and His will for my life within his Kingdom. 

I then as a bisexual being have to make a choice to either marry or remain celibate. This application can and should determine our course of actions if we're were straight or gay. 

One set of commands from God applies to all circumstances, fornication, adultery, porn and masturbation all fall short in reality. 

Only the sanctification of the marraige bed is truely acceptable before God. 

Maybe this is a hard pill to swallow, but I have to trust God and His plans and purposes to give me true freedom and fulfillment of every need I have; in Christ.

So how have I coped or overcome this crisis?

The answer has many espects and nuances, as with any issues of faith and life. 

I turned and called out to God my Father, to Jesus and Holy Spirit. I also did not keep it in the darkness of my mind, I called for prayer and accountability to my brothers in Christ. I kept a journal of my struggles, this gives God an opportunity to speak into the the situation and helps me process my thinking and determine my course of action.

 I recognize that this is a process and don't claim to have overcome in full as yet, but by being know by God and man (warts and all) and admitting my faults and weaknesses, gives God an opportunity to be strong in my life. 

Lastly I am fully aware of my need for the Grace and Mercy of God to bring me to the finish line, as he has promised. 

I am his beloved Son, accepted and affirmed by my adoption into his family. 

Rak Chazak Amats.