Healing and Hope amidst the brokenness.

 I find myself in a strange space/ place at the moment.  I have in the past said that this blog is a form of Journeling for me, however I recognise that this is not quite true for the following reasons: if I truely keep a journal, then I  am rather ruthless with my comments and feelings and state them in a blunt, no pulling of punches about the issues, stuggles, fears or temptations I am going through, even crudely and often with passion and strong language to make a maximum impact on my thinking.  

However when I blog I tend to always keep the audience in mind, and balance the descriptors and emotions in order to protect the audience.  

Which is fine, otherwise I may have to include an adults content warning. I try to be very honest and express my stuggles in a way that is uplifting and encouraging to others.  So since this will be part of a blog I will continue the tradition, and sincerely pray that God uses this to convey my story and struggles in a real way to bring hope and healing amdist brokenness in my life and others. 

I recently have experienced some extreme warfare and attack from the enemy regarding my past life, the addiction and compulsiveness that made me feel like quitting and indulging my fantasies. All I will say that the temptations were strong and almost convinced me, but God.......

I was sent a message from one of my accountablity partners the following phrase.

Rak Chazak Amats

Its an ancient Hebrew war cry.

It means to be bold and very courageous.  To be audacious and not to consider the impossibilities. 

(For God is with you and will not leave you)

It's a call to battle, not on your own strength but in God's. 

This resonated within my soul and stirred something in me that I still am trying to grasp.  Nevertheless it reminded me of things that God has already revealed to me personally and not brush it off as mere words but as Rhema from heaven.

Recall (Zakar) who you are,...

what's important and move boldly into relationship with God first, and others to make an impact. 

I am Adam - Zakar a man, male one who probes and penetrates, seeks truth. 

In order to know the truth I first have to first receive the very nurture of God ABBA Father, His love and my identity in Christ, so that I am, to be fully balanced in the image of God. 

I am Sean, beloved of God, his son adopted into His family.  I am the one that Jesus loves, like John I recline on his chest. I am his favourite, the apple of his eye. 

I seek a relationship with him similar to that of David and Johnathan. The Lord is MY shepherd, I shall not want.

As I reflect on this I realise that I have an affinity with many biblical characters. The prophets (Elijah, Ezekiel, John the Baptist) hold a strong place, most likely due to the fact that I have a gifting/ calling that I feel is prohetic and encouraging. I note that my orginal thinking in how this would play out in my life has shifted significantly over the years as I have gone through the struggles God allowed in my life. 

The other two characters I strongly identity with are the "Prodigal Son" and King David. Both of whom come to realise that God the Father is the fulfillment of their needs and only through repentance and confession find themselves restored as Sons in their fathers house.

David was a broken man, lonely and overlooked as a child, but God looks at the heart and not at outward appearances.  Anointed as King, yet lived as an outcast and outlaw in the wilderness, wild and impesteos given to rage and anger. Even as King he was not faultless, adultery and murder were part of his life. Yet in the new testament it was  declared he was a man after Gods own heart.  Why, he was guilty as charged had neither clean hands or pure heart as declared in one of his own psalms, to ascend the Holy mountain and enter into the presence of God.  He recognised his failings and inability within himself, confessed and repented and flung himself fully on Gods Grace and Mercy, cried out to God to come rescue him and create within him a new and steadfast spirit. That Christ  alone makes us worthy and cleanses of Sin. Then we stand before God unashamed, we don't deserve it, but by the Grace, Mercy, Compassion and love of God and His work in us this is where we stand. Totally dependant on God, fully committed to allow him to transform us and our pitiful and broken and messy lives for His Glory and Kingdom. 

 I am aware of my valid needs of human connection, intimacy and acceptance.  I seek out friendship with those my Father brings into my life. 

I am also fully aware of my failings, shortcomings, weakness  and sins. I daily struggle with compulsive or addictive behavior, drawing me away from God, to live life on my own terms, which is idolatry. Therefore I choose daily to pick up my cross, to put to death the works of sin in my flesh and soul. I am crucified with Christ and it's No longer I that lives but HIM in me.

He has positioned and prepared me for a time such as this.  I am convinced that this is true, that all things workout for the good, for those who love God and are called by him. (Let me clarify, that I don't believe God caused me to sin- that was me in my flesh and soul). I do think even in my weaknesses God worked formed and fashioned in me - to the extent I allowed and participated, with the Holy Spirit whether consciously or unconsciously. For the time and place I find myself on team on Journey to help disciple others bring thier stuff to the Cross and find healing in hearing from God the truth of their identity in Him and allowing him to re-align their thinking with his.

Jesus is the author and finisher of my Faith. He has used even my weaknesses to fashion and prepare me, and strengthen and humble me for the works HE has set for me (even in my mothers womb, even beyond)

Oh Lord Jesus help me to walk in the reality of my less than ideal life, in the struggles and live beyond my guilt and shame, to live a transparent life, full of hope in your promise / prophetic word that I may indeed help lead others into their own inheritance.